The Trouble with Bonding

Kintsugi

Image source: Google

The Trouble with Bonding

My fractures run deep

with jagged curves back in time

misaligned by variances between

what was and what should’ve been.

 

I pretended

to be whole

again and again,

blending my façade

with her charade,

becoming a beautiful lie

that died

the moment we tried

rocky weather together

whenever and wherever

our rhyme got sloppy and

disjointed.

 

We pointed out each other’s flaws

and clawed ourselves apart. My heart

mistook love for a pleasure found

oozing pillow-talk

into the next girl’s

midnight bedsheets;

repeatedly pressed this error

into her replacement’s bed too,

but she fled my good intentions

just as I was finding leverage

to press solid meaning into her…

into her…

 

Are these mildly lewd sex metaphors

doing anything for you? Because

I could probably say plainly that

 

I had mostly good sex

with mostly good women

for mostly bad reasons

 

not for love, pleasure,

not even for affection

mostly, a self-deception

 

as I mostly engaged in the self-delusion

that I loved them

or that I loved myself, when

 

I was clearly too broken to do either,

 

but I suppose it’s better that I couch it

in some wrecked flower and

tangled bedsheet nonsense.

 

I’m wrecking the rhythm of this poem.

I apologize. Now, where was I?

 

Into her wake,

serene surface broken

by her rippling,

departing waves

I wandered,

my fractures,

deep with jagged

curves back in time

misaligned

by variances between

what was her own brokenness and

what should’ve been

her pristine perfection that

should’ve saved us both

but didn’t.

 

Looking back, I know now that her imperfections

were perfectly wondrous and uniquely lovely.

But it took another woman with her own unique

deep, jagged, fractures curving into my own

that helped me appreciate my own failings

from wondrous newly tacked angles.

 

This poem is uneven

and not as pretty

as I had hoped it would be.

 

But it is pure gold

where it needs to be.

***

Written for Poets United Midweek Motif ~ Kintsugi: Art of Mending, Posted by Sumana Roy.

29 thoughts on “The Trouble with Bonding

  1. I so wanted to like this poem, this confession of flaws in relationships and himself but nothing came good, no lessons were learned, and I thought how selfish the narrator possibly was as he was thinking too much of himself all the time and not giving enough to make any relationship work. Poetically it read well and the title was honest!

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  2. Ah, the search for perfection, the rejection, the plug-in substitutes, the aha! that perhaps the imperfection lies within. I loved this honest mind-ride of your search, and the ending is dynamite — a poem (like love) “… pure gold where it needs to be,” Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The gold is in the honesty of this poem. Honesty is probably the greatest gift you can give to another. However that requires knowing yourself and you seem to be a lot further down that track than most
    In the words of the world’s greatest psychologist Bill (not Bill Withers:)
    ” To thine own self be true and it must follow the night and the day thou canst ne’re be false to any man”
    Great insights about relationships….great poem.
    Oh and incidentally I think you do ‘mildly lewd’ very well:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • You can NEVER go wrong with Bill (Withers or the Shake Man)! Thank you for the insightful comment, Ralls 😉 I try to be honest in my writing as much as possible.

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  4. “I pretended
    to be whole
    again and again,
    blending my façade
    with her charade”

    WOW! Perfect link of performance poetry and music! Some of us remain silent on this subject, but secretly know it in our own experience. The gold mending comes in mutual respect, doesn’t it? I’d love to hear/see you bring this poem to life. Have you considered VIDEO recording?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Susan. And I agree, mutual respect and self respect are key elements to mending.

      I have considered audio recording, though I hate how my voice sounds. I may give it a whirl sometime. 🙂

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  5. Oh wow, I have rarely read a more honest self-appraisal. I applaud you. I am glad that finally a woman came along who looked from a different angle, and saw the gold. I LOVE the closing lines. And that image is really beautiful. Nice to meet you at Poets United. Shine on!

    Liked by 1 person

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